Meh…

OK, super honesty time.

I’ve actually been fretting about posting this blog entry.  I wrote it and it has sat in my drafts folder for the last week or so.  I guess I’m just afraid that people will get the wrong idea about my intentions and what my priorities are right now.  But, I can’t run away from how I’m feeling!  So here goes…

For the first time, I think ever, I’m feeling very “meh” about an audition.  It’s a strange feeling!  I’ve always been so passionate about my career and clarinet playing.  I’m just not feeling it this time.  Not too long ago, I was so motivated to get to a DC band, it was almost everything to me!

What changed?  Well, the birth of my son probably has a lot to do with it!.  All of the sudden, my life has shifted its focus onto this little human that I created, and not on my career.  My needs or desires don’t seem to matter to me anymore.  And I’m strangely ok with that.

And again, super honesty time.  I’m sooooo in love with Hawaii.  It seems selfish, but I don’t care.  If I win this audition next month I would have to leave my current duty station early.  And I just don’t want to do leave yet.  In fact, I am trying to extend my tour here!

With all that being said, I am still taking the audition, and I am still taking it very seriously.  I’m still committing to the preparation and the intention to do well.  I feel like I owe it to my past self, and probably my future self.  I’ve had such big changes in my life as of late, I simply cannot trust that I truly know what’s best for me and my career right now.  I mean, I am the sole breadwinner in my family right now.  So it matters how my career unfolds, even though I don’t seem to really care right now.

I’ve officially completed “phase one” of my preparation, which is just woodshedding the technique of the excerpts.  (Read my post about audition prep to see what my process is)  I’m happy to say that everything is under my fingers.  Is it good?  Not really.  But that’s what “phase two” is for…polishing!  Also, there are several non-technical excerpts that I haven’t even touched yet.  Luckily, the excerpts are not nearly as difficult as the last time I auditioned for the Navy Band, so I don’t feel as flustered and crazy stressed out as I did then.  I’ve also noticed that I have had significantly less snarky social media posts about my preparation this time…this has been the only one so far:

When I look at it unbiasedly (is that a word?) everything about winning the audition is good for me in the long term: a promotion, permanent duty, being able to just play clarinet until retirement, etc.  So obviously I’m going to try my best, because my family deserves that from me.  But is my heart really in it?  No.  Not right now anyway.  But who knows, maybe that will help my nerves when the time comes!